fearlessly | (no subject)

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[ it's raining, but alisaie does not mind. she likes the rain. it brings to mind peaceful, private moments, times during her childhood when she would be left alone and unbothered. it reminds her of calm, and tranquility, and safety. it's also an excellent time to read a book, one of her favorite activities. the steady fall of rain beats down on the roof and against the window on which she is leaning back, comfortable on her bed, shoes off and legs tucked up beneath her.

alisaie, unsurprisingly, has been here for a few days already, having arrived early to give herself time to unpack, decompress, and adjust to the space. she'll have a roommate this year, something she is not at all excited about, but it is what it is. given her family's influence, she could have gotten a single room, but that would've made her stand out even more and so instead she has chosen to attend normally, and bring no more attention to herself than necessary. even if it means having to share her space. with any luck, she'll land herself a social, popular roommate who is never in their room unless absolutely necessary, and she won't have to worry too much about feeling cramped.

while the space looks lived in, there's still a few boxes on her desk left to unpack, her suitcase half-full and leaning against the closet, but her books already sit in her shelves, filling every possible space without spilling onto her would-be roommate's side, though fitting them all has certainly been.. a challenge. her desk, too, is piled with notebooks, binders, textbooks, alchemy supplies, mining samples.. look, she's taking a lot of classes?? like, every class. notably, too, her rapier and crystal focus lean against the wall beside her bed, well polished and sharpened, cared for, and a cup of tea sits cooling on her bedside table, atop, you guessed it, more books. it's a theme.

when you are deep into a book, however, time tends to slip away from you, and alisaie has not noticed how much time has passed until suddenly the doorknob is turning. her breath catches in surprise, and she sits up straight in bed - gods, is it already late afternoon?? she didn't leave herself any time to mentally prepare to live with a stranger!! ]

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[ No one is more surprised than Prompta when she actually scores a date with that guy from her geomancy class. It came out of the blue, when she wasn't expecting it or even trying, which is honestly probably why he decided to ask her own. Nearly tripping over herself, Prompta managed to accept the offer before running away to go scream in a bathroom stall. It's actually, really, finally happening. She's going out on a date with a cute and awesome guy!

And...because she's going out on a date with a cute and awesome guy, that means, of course, she's fretting over ever single detail in the week leading up to it. What will she wear? How should she do her hair? What should she say? What are her best jokes? What questions should she ask him? Does he like how she smells? Is her laugh too annoying? Is her posture too slouchy? And, oh gods, is that a pimple coming in on her chin?

Of course, one of her other concerns is that lacking in any and all dating experience, she has never...kissed someone before. She doesn't want to get ahead of herself and assume that he'll try to kiss her, but on the off chance that things go that well, she won't have any idea what to do! It's not as though she can just as someone how to do it right. It's the sort of thing you just have to learn with experience.

...At least, so she thinks at first. But what if there was a way to get some experience?

An idea plants itself in her head, though at first she dismisses it. No, that's just stupid, and Alisaie would never agree to it. She's got way better things to do than to help Prompta learn how to kiss, and...that's a super weird thing to ask a friend to do for you, even as close as they are. Somehow asking Alisaie seems way less embarrassing than asking Nocta or the others, but even so, she can't commit to it.

But with each passing day, the date only gets closer and closer, and Prompta's nerves only get worse. She nearly drives herself crazy with it, until she snaps. Okay, she'll just have to ask Alisaie about it. At least if she says no, then Prompta can stop hemming and hawing over it. And the worse she'll get is probably some gentle teasing anyway. Nothing to be so stressed over.

So one night after dinner, when Prompta is fresh from the shower with her hair loose around her shoulders, she sinks down onto her bed, kicking her heels against the floor for a moment before venturing at last: ]

Hey, uh...Ali?

[ Oh gods, here she goes. ]

[ there's something so exquisitely painful about falling in love with someone who is not in love with you. on one hand, it is such a warm, sweet feeling to love someone, to feel that devotion, that sweet rush of butterflies in your stomach every time they smile or laugh for you, every time they touch you. yet on the other hand.. it stings like a knife to the gut to be reminded that their feelings are not the same as yours, and the news of prompta's upcoming date hits her like a crash of cold water over her head, like a sock to the gut, leaving a heavy chunk of ice in the pit of her stomach.

so this is it, then. she had known this day would come, and yet she could not help but selfishly think that maybe.. maybe it wouldn't. maybe prompta would just be single forever, and then even if they weren't together, alisaie wouldn't have to endure seeing her with someone else. she wouldn't have to feel that terrible jealousy, or the painful insecurity, the assurance that she's not good enough. it makes her feel guilty, and ashamed. prompta deserves to be happy. she deserves to be loved. she deserves to have everything she wants, and more.

but that doesn't make it any less painful to endure, especially since prompta is so.. enthusiastic about it, of course. she talks about it nearly every day, fusses over her hair and clothes and skin, and alisaie has to force herself to smile, to act happy, when truly every mention of it stings and aches. alisaie knows she never had a chance, but well, now it's well and truly over, because anyone lucky enough to score a date with prompta will surely see her for who she is, see how warm and wonderful she is, how funny, how kind, how she is everything anyone could ever ask for in a partner. he'll never let her go.

alisaie certainly wouldn't.

she has to be happy for prompta. she has to force it, and then maybe, eventually, she will truly feel it. until then, the pain is keening, sweetly excruciating, and alisaie finds herself distracted nearly every moment of the day, unable to focus easily on her work, her mind wandering even during conversations. it is wandering now, while she sits on her bed over an open book, reading the same sentence for the fifth time in a row. ]

Hm?

[ she starts, shaken from her reverie. ]

Oh - what is it?

[ It's not too late to change the reason why she caught Alisaie's attention. She could pretend like it was to ask about a question on her homework, or what she's studying right now, or what she thinks about any number of things. Prompta could listen to Alisaie explain just about anything and Alisaie would be none the wiser to the intent behind this question. But...

No. She's going through with this. ]

Have you...um. Sorry, this is kinda out of the blue, but, have you ever...kissed anyone?

[ ASKING FOR A FRIEND ]

[ ASKING FOR A FRIEND, SURE..!!

that is.. not at all the question that she was expecting, and as much is evident in the way her face flushes, her eyes wide with surprise. o-oh.. well, even if she wasn't expecting it, after a moment's thought, she should not be so shocked. of course prompta would ask something like this, only days before her date. it makes perfect sense.

and it makes her stomach clench in that icy, jealous way again. ]

U-um.. well no. Not really. There was a dare once, in grade school, but..

[ she gestures vaguely. dared grade school kisses aren't like.. real kisses.. they don't count!! ]

[ Ah. Well. That's one question answered, though Prompta had assumed as much, given what she knows about her friend. But previous experience would have only been a bonus, not a requirement. Gods, she feels so silly, even thinking it... ]

Oh. Um...gotcha. Y-yeah, me neither.

[ A beat, as her gaze drops to the floor, her knees bouncing. ]

Um...if you could, would you? Want to, I mean?

[ She could definitely be going about this in a better way. ]

[ for a moment, alisaie's heart soars with something like hope. prompta isn't asking.. she can't mean...

no, she probably doesn't mean that at all. she's going on a date soon, with someone else, she's not asking for a kiss, she's just asking about kisses. it makes perfect sense. prompta has been asking alisaie's opinion on virtually everything, from her hair to her clothes to the way she talks, doing everything in her power to see to it that this date goes perfectly.

maybe alisaie should put green hair dye in prompta's shampoo, maybe then she would be too afraid to go on her stupid date!!!!

but no, nope. she's given the best advice that she can, because seeing prompta happy is.. the most important thing in the world, however painful it might be. this is surely just more advice, though unfortunately, not advice that alisaie is poised to give. she's never really kissed anyone either. her gaze drops to her hands, where they fiddle with her blanket. ]

Well.. sure, I have thought about it. Kissing sounds.. very nice.

[ it sounds warm, and sweet, and prompta's lips are probably so soft, she takes care of her skin so well, it's probably so smooth, and alisaie knows she smells so good..

gods, her face feels hot. she shouldn't be considering this, even for fun. ]

[ In fact, she does mean that, even if Prompta has trouble approaching the real intent behind her words directly. But she's set the stage now — kissing is something that Alisaie is interested in, so if she were to kiss someone to help them practice, she...

She wouldn't hate it, right? A-and it's no big deal, because they're friends. Prompta has heard of girls doing this before, it's not all that strange to want to have some experience before heading into the field, so to speak. It's practical.

...Okay, it's a little weird, but instead of backing down, she inhales sharply, and asks all in one quick rush: ]

Will you help me practice?

[ There it is...time to die. ]

[ the words bounce around in her mind for a few seconds, her ears ringing as she hears them repeated, over and over. did prompta just.. is she really asking..?

yes, she is. alisaie can see it in her face, in her wide eyes, in how nervous she is, in how difficult it was for her to ask this question. people don't just.. ask from kisses from their friends. do they?? alisaie doesn't know, honestly, prompta is her only close friend, and the girls by association. well... gladia would probably definitely invite alisaie to "practice" kiss if her advances are any indication, but alisaie is relatively sure that's not the usual occurrence. but in the end, what does she know about friends, and girls, and what girl friends do behind closed doors?? maybe this is normal.

she should say no. prompta does not know the nature of alisaie's feelings, so allowing this feels almost.. disingenuous. unfair. wrong? but gods, she's not sure she's strong enough to deny it, not when her gaze drops to prompta's lips. ]

Well, um, yes, but - I.. are you sure?

[ she's already sitting up a little straighter, turning to face her, hoping that she doesn't look eager because gods, that would just be embarrassing, but her eyes have certainly lit up with restrained interest. ]

[ For her part, Prompta looks visibly relieved when she agrees to it. Even if Alisaie would have let her down gently, she still would have felt horribly silly for even asking in the first place. Her shoulders release their tension, and she breathes out a held breath. ]

Really? Oh, that'd be a huge help. Seriously, I...I know it's kind of weird to ask, but...I really appreciate it.

[ And with any hope it won't be a bad experience for either of them. Inspite of her relief, her heart starts to beat just a little bit faster. ]

I-is...is now a good time? Or...

[ She scooches to the side just a bit, leaving more than enough room for Alisaie to sit next to her on her bed. ]

[ prompta's isn't the only heart that is beating wildly; alisaie can feel hers in her throat; if she didn't know prompta better she would be sure that she knew, that she could see through the flimsy facade that alisaie has built. her feelings are embarrassingly obvious, aren't they? but no, she knows prompta well enough to know she has no idea, she hasn't cottoned on even in the slightest. it's a relief as much as it is an ache.

swallowing thickly, alisaie rises from her bed to cross the small space between their beds, settling into the spot prompta has left for her, her gaze fluttering to prompta's face. her ears are flushed cherry red right to the tip. ]

Now is as good a time as any, I suppose..

[ horrifyingly nervous as she is, if they don't do it now she will tie herself in knots waiting for it to happen, and probably not sleep a wink tonight. well. she might not sleep a wink at all anyway.. still, she inches a little closer, until her hand is pressed near to prompta's. ]

Should I.. do you want me to..?

[ start..??? ]

N-no, it's okay, I-I can...

[ Gods, what is she so nervous about. It's just Alisaie. One of her closest and oldest friends. But when she crosses the small distance between their beds to sit next to her, Prompta's gut tightens up with nerves, her cheeks flushing.

If she can't handle kissing Alisaie, then she has no hope of kissing her date. She needs to do this. ]

U-um...h-here goes!

[ Her fingertips just brush Alisaie's as her gaze drops to her lips, soft and pink and ready for her own. Still, it takes Prompta a moment to follow her words up with action, taking a deep breath before leaning forward and pressing her lips to Alisaie's, featherlight and timid. ]

[ prompta leans in near, and alisaie's heart leaps right up into her mouth. she has thought of this so many times before, wondered what it might be like, allowed herself to daydream, but she hadn't ever considered that it would really happen. that is is happening this way, for these reasons is almost cruel.

and yet, the moment prompta's lips touch her own it doesn't matter. it's so easy to forget that this kiss isn't really for her, that it's meant for someone else; in the moment it is hers. it feels strange at first, foreign, but after a moment alisaie's breath shivers past her lips and she tips her chin forward just a bit, just enough to press their mouths together a little more fully, her lips parted just so, the smallest amount, only enough to breathe, though she is sure her breath has already been stolen from her lungs. she can smell the sweet, familiar scent of prompta's skin, her freshly washed hair, and thoughtlessly her fingers curl over prompta's between them, weaving together.

it's warm. it's so warm, and so soft, and with her eyes closed alisaie can feel only that warmth, and the texture of prompta's lips, just as smooth and supple as she had expected them to be. kissing is bizarre, and new, it's awkward, and wonderful, and before she knows it she's pressing into it a little more firmly, inhaling prompta's breath, her free hand rising to prompta's face, anxiously yet boldly brushing fingertips along the slope of her jaw. ]

[ It is strange at first, because it isn't exactly what Prompta expected it to be, but it's...nice, too. It's warm and wet and ticklish, as they adjust to breathe in tandem with one another, her nose bumps against Alisaie's as she turns her jaw into Alisaie's touch. Right — kissing isn't just about the lips alone, is it? And this is for the both of them to learn and explore. Alisaie makes it so easy, and so Prompta's free hand rises to cup Alisaie's cheek, her thumb cresting just over her cheekbones.

So...this is what a kiss is like. A push and pull, almost like a dance, and one they are both learning together, step by step. Her skin and face feel flushed and hot, but not in an embarrassing way that makes her want to turn away. Instead, she feels encouraged, coaxed to keep going. Alisaie hasn't pulled away yet, and they have a lot more to learn about kissing than simply pressing their lips against each other's.

With a soft sigh, Prompta's lips part against Alisaie's, warm and inviting, asking to deepen the kiss, to explore more. ]

[ it feels exquisite. alisaie hadn't really expected that kissing would really feel so nice. she had thought it would be awkward and weird, and it is, they are new still, and unsure, but there is still something so enjoyable about it, something that makes her stomach flip and her heart pound. it's awkward, but in a sweet and simple way, and as they welcome it it becomes a little easier, then a little more, and more still.

but when prompta's lips part it draws a soft noise from her throat, and alisaie inhales sharply, without breaking contact. there's a brief moment where she freezes, unsure of where to go next, but she finds her body responding for her - all at once both of her hands are up, taking prompta's face between them, her thumbs gliding over her soft, freckled cheeks as alisaie parts her lips and tilts her head, searching for the right angle until -

- there it is. their mouths slot together perfectly, and alisaie feels warm and giddy and dizzy, she can taste prompta's mouth and it's both odd and exhilarating. warmth blooms under her skin, and alisaie's body leans forward, into her, her ears full of the soft, sweet sounds of their kisses. it is not boldness when alisaie's tongue darts gently, teasing against prompta's bottom lip, it is simple instinct that guides her to search for more. ]

[ Tongue is yet another part of kissing, and Prompta had expected they would go there, since it's kind of important, and yet it's sill surprising when Alisaie's tongue darks against her bottom lip, half-teasing, half-asking a question. A sound of surprise slips up from Prompta's throat, but she doesn't pull back or shy away.

Instead, she answers that question with her answer, slowly but purposefully dragging her tongue from one side of Alisaie's bottom lip to the other, before dipping it into the other girl's mouth.

It does feel strange, the feeling of someone else's tongue and teeth, but it doesn't feel gross or uncomfortable. It's actually pretty nice, in a way she might not have expected, warm and wet in a way that makes her stomach tighten. She has to remind herself that this is Alisaie, her friend, and these are just practice kisses...but that doesn't mean they don't feel nice. That doesn't mean they don't feel right. ]

[ they do feel right, certainly to alisaie, who is so absorbed in the moment that she has all but forgotten why they are here, why they are doing this in the first place. vaguely, she might remember that this is practice, but she is fully here, lost in the taste of prompta's mouth, especially when she feels the dart of her tongue, warm and strange and exciting.

her heart has dropped back down into place, but it is hammering with adrenaline, and her fingertips gently slip into prompta's loose, soft hair, holding close while she follows suit, slipping her tongue past prompta's, along it, to dip into her mouth. the movies and books always make kisses out to be so simple, so perfect, it doesn't prepare her for the complete strangeness of tasting another person's mouth, it doesn't prepare her for the texture, or the heat, or just how wet and slippery it feels.

but that's all for the better, for these surprises are all pleasant ones that keen in her blood, that make her skin feel too tight over her body, a lingering heat in her bones, building.

distantly, she wonders if they should stop, if it's too much, if they're going too far but gods, just.. just a little longer. just a little more. she wants to remember every moment of this, to memorize the shape of prompta's mouth and lips, to remember the heat of her body, the softness of her skin and hair, and all of these sweet, perfect little sound lost between them. ]

[ They should probably stop, but Prompta finds herself...wanting the kiss to keep going herself, though distracted as she is, she can't exactly begin to scrutinize why. Kissing just feels nice, it's exciting and new and intimate, and she's never had a chance to do this with another person before. That she gets to do it with someone so trusted and dear to her is just a bonus.

But soon it all threatens to overwhelm — the way her stomach clenches, the heat just beneath her skin, the part of her that seeks for more. It's all so dizzying, and if she doesn't change course quick...

Gods, what is she even thinking? This is Alisaie.

With her fingers tight in the front of Alisaie's nightgown, Prompta breaks away at last, their mouths parting with such a sinfully slick noise that it makes her cheeks burn and a breathless chuckle escape her. ]

W-we should...

[ They should stop. As nice as it is, this is...as far as they should go. ]

[ prompta is right, however loathe alisaie might be to admit it. she would be happy to continue on like this all night, to kiss prompta's mouth, her skin, her fingertips, to drop her hands down the soft curve of her throat, to touch her, to pull away her shirt, to -

well, that is precisely why they need to stop. however painfully ready alisaie is, there isn't.. anything at all to be ready for, really. prompta has a date soon, gods, with a boy, a stupid, idiot boy who doesn't even know how lucky he is, a boy who is probably nice and kind and clearly has good taste and yet alisaie cannot help but despise him, whether she wants to or not. their mouths part, and alisaie's chin tips forward as if to chase for more, a soft sound of protest in her throat -

but the spell is beginning to break. her hands fall, resting for a moment on prompta's shoulders, and her bleary eyes search prompta's face for the briefest moment, as if asking, why should we stop? before she gathers herself with a sharp, deep inhale. ]

Oh.. yes, I..

[ she starts, before her face is flushing anew, hot and prickling. ]

Was that..? Um.. good enough?

[ they can always practice more!!!! ]

[ Prompta looks flushed, and a little dazed, but not unhappy, and Alisaie's question earns her a soft laugh as Prompta releases her shirt, her hand instead lifted to scrub at the back of her neck as her gaze turns bashfully down.

That was certainly educational, in ways she hadn't expected. ]

U-um, y-yeah, think so...

[ A beat as she chews on her bottom lip, the taste of Alisaie still there, her heart picking up a beat. ]

You...you were really, um... [ Good. She was really good. ] I-I mean, th-thank you. That was exactly what I needed.

[ She doesn't yet realize how true those words are. With as good of a kiss that was, if she kisses her date this weekend, will she think of this one instead...?

But...no, what's gotten into her? She's all sorts of scrambled right now. ]

[ it's over almost as soon as it started, and while alisaie has no regrets, she does not love the cold weight in the pit of her stomach. for a few brief, sweet moments she had flown so high, before the gravity of reality kicked in and brought her crashing back down to land again. it's over, life will go on, and prompta will go on her date, none the wiser for just how.. much this meant to alisaie, how keenly it made her heart soar and sing. ]

.. good.

[ she doesn't regret it. she doesn't. she can still feel the warm, lingering tingle of prompta's lips, she can still catch the smell of prompta's hair caught on her own skin. she'll lie awake at night with the scent in her memory. and maybe, just maybe, the smug satisfaction that she was prompta's first kiss will keep her warm while she's off with her stupid boy.

quickly, alisaie withdraws her hands and folds them in her lap, tugging her fingers worriedly, for lack of anything better to do with them. ]

I hope it helped.

Yeah. I-I think it did.

[ Even if it's difficult to think about exactly what happened just now. Maybe that's it — she didn't overthink it, she just let herself feel and explore, without letting her thoughts trip her up. It had worked, and now...

Well, she's had her first kiss, as unconventional as it might be, and Alisaie helped her get there. Whether or not she uses this experience over the coming weekend remains to be seen, but at least she doesn't have any regrets now. ]

Um...th-thank you.

[ Is it weird to thank someone after practice kisses??? Oh well. ]

[ it's.. a little weird yeah, but this whole experience is honestly a little weird. good. but weird. even if alisaie is feeling more awkward than happy now that the adrenaline and pleasure have burned off. ]

Of course. If you--

[ -- want to practice more, she begins to say, before thinking better of it. that would definitely come off weird, and surely prompta has more than enough experience under her belt now. hoping for more will only hurt, in the long run. after a few short moments spent fidgeting, alisaie reluctantly stands. she should probably.. get back to her own bed now. ]

Well, um.. I hope your date goes well.

[ it feels hollow, to say that out loud, and it's bittersweet and painful, but it's also.. true. that spiteful little corner of her soul hopes the date crashes and burns, but in truth she wants prompta to be.. happy, and if happy means with someone else, then..

well. so be it. ]

[ The date goes...okay. Prompta had been over the moon about it, even if her nerves had made the anticipation rather anxious, and by the time it comes, she's almost just ready to have it over with. But it's an enjoyable time. The boy is kind and funny, maybe he talks too much about himself and laughs a little too much at his own jokes, but they get along well. And at the end of the date, he even mentions seeing her again, though they don't miss. Prompta doesn't leave enough time for it.

It was nice to spend an evening out, and it was nice to have someone pay attention to her in...that way. But he's probably not her dream guy. And that's what dates are for, right? To test the waters. To figure out the answer to that question.

It's late, but not too late when Prompta slips back through the door of their dorm room, quietly tiptoing inside before looking across the room to see if Alisaie is still awake, whispering for good measure: ]

Hey, Ali, you still up?

[ oh she's still up. honestly, even if prompta weren't on a date she would probably still be up, alisaie tends to get to sleep late, but tonight, gods, she wouldn't be able to sleep even if she tried. her stomach is in knots.

she hopes it's going well for prompta, or most of her hopes that, at least, even if a small part of her definitely hopes it's going terribly - but she wants prompta to be happy, to find that thing she is looking for, even if alisaie knows it isn't with a boy. it isn't with anyone. the kind of validation prompta wants can't be found on a date. but still, it can bring her happiness. everyone likes to feel loved, to feel desired, wanted.

but, you know, alisaie also won't be too heartbroken if it isn't the best date in the world, though of course it probably is - how couldn't it be? prompta is the best potential partner anyone could ever want, and surely he will see that, he will see how beautiful she is, how funny, how her smile can brighten up an entire room. anyone would be a fool to let that pass by them. and given how excited prompta was about it, about him.. well. alisaie has been preparing herself all night for her inevitable doom, both eager for prompta to return so that alisaie's torment will finally end, yet also terrified to hear the verdict.

gods, falling for someone who does not feel the same is absolute torture. would not recommend.

anyroad, she's curled in bed with a book, the room quiet and the lights off save for the small reading light by her bed, but alisaie has been on this same page for at least thirty minutes now - this same sentence, probably. she's tried, and failed, not to stare at the clock, but she has no idea when to expect prompta back, anyway.. oh gods, what if she stays out all night?? talk about torture. but alisaie's purgatory ends soon enough, at least, when she door creaks open and her eyes dart up from her page. she's back. alisaie has to make an effort to seem cool and collected. ]

Oh.. yes of course. Welcome back.

[ Woefully unaware of Alisaie's inner struggle, Prompta at least doesn't look like she's glowing — the type of post-date glow she has probably regaled Alisaie about plenty before. She had fully expected to be over the moon after her date, but instead she just feels kind of...underwhelmed. Which she feels a little guilty about, because it was pretty okay for a date, especially in her non-existent experience. But there's just nothing really to glow about.

Instead, Prompta drops onto her bed with a sigh, kicking off her shoes and leaning back on her palms. Didn't even get to put that great kissing practice into action...bummer. ]

Thanks.

[ Alisaie may not have asked how it went, but Prompta is going to tell her anyways. She'd want to know, right? After helping Prompta get ready for it? ]

You know...it was only kind of okay.